


I Should Have Never Come Back

by RoonCoon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s13e18 Bring 'em Back Alive, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 17:09:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14313336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoonCoon/pseuds/RoonCoon
Summary: Basically,Castiel feelings.Its based off a few posts ive already seen.And from the episode itself.(The teary eyes were real,Everything after Castiel reassuring Dean is my brain child)





	I Should Have Never Come Back

**Author's Note:**

> Hhhh boy this episode made me cry :(  
> Sorry if there are mistakes itd 1am

When Dean came back,Castiel should have been happy.Should have been excited that the Winchester had come back in one piece.

 

Should have.

 

Sams voice broke slightly as he explained that Gabriels Grace was gone.It was all gone. Theyd used it to heal him. Castiel stayed quiet.He saw Deans face change rapidly from confusion and frustration to pure rage.  The fact that Dean was angry wasnt the kicker.No.It was the fact that when Dean started to yell he said "If we can't open that door, Then _I NEVER should have come BACK._ " That was the real punch to the gut. Castiel felt his lip move slightly and he forced himself to stand still.He knew Dean would blow up,He knew. Dean had yelled "Son of a BITCH!" Throwing things off the table.

 

The angel had this strange feeling in his body. It was between his chest cavity and his throat and it felt like he was bein strangled.Tears pricked his eyes as the words replayed in his mind.

 

" _I NEVER should have come BACK_ " 

they kept playing,and playing,and playing. Castiel had been dead.Hed been dead in The Empty with that gate keeper sort of creature. He had argued that No! He did have people there who wanted him back! He had a home!He had a family!He had love!

 

He should have listened.When that creature said "There is nothing for you back there.No." Castiel should have listened.

 

His head felt heavy and his chest felt empty,his stomach a black hole seeming to devour the things around it,tearing his emotions to shreds. As Dean had his breakdown,Cas was able to keep calm. He spoke,gently,hesitantly.Scared. "Dean..We will find Gabriel," He could feel his chest constrict at 'we'. "We will." He was more trying to confirm it to himself then anything. He _needed_ to find his brother.Needed to make Dean happy again.He didnt want to feel what he did in his stomach and chest.It was horrible. Deans reply was an empty "We better."

 

It felt threatening.Felt powerful and frustrated and hopeless. Castiel watched him carefully,not approaching or moving. He looked at Sam,receiving a concerned look from the taller man. His eyes,he thought,must still be teary. He hadnt meant to be this way. But..It was hard to not react when he felt as though that creature was right.Maybe Dean Didnt need him.maybe Sam didnt need him.Maybe Jack didnt need him.Maybe nobody needed Castiel.That was the worst of it.It was the absolute worst feeling and thought he could conjure. The tears trapped in the corners of his eyes fell rather rapidly.He pressed a hand to his cheek and felt the warmth and wetness.

"Excuse me."

 

Castiel turned and made his way to the bathroom.He heard the shuffle of Dean turning to look at him and maybe he was glaring at Castiel.

Maybe he hates me.

 

Maybe he hates me because i couldnt convince Gabriel to stay.crying stung,and,the feeling in his chest only made his vessel feel even more empty. His cheeks were hot and he leaned against the halls wall,reaching up to wipe the tears. Dean wasnt the only one who had lost someone.He lost Jack.He promised Kelly he would keep Him safe.He couldnt even keep himself safe.Couldn't keep Jack safe,or the brothers,or himself. "Oh," his voice cracked involuntarily as he cried,shoulders shaking just slightly. He wish he had wings.Castiel felt like sinking to the ground.He felt like crying out.Felt like asking for forgiveness. Felt like going back to the empty and sleeping forever,and ever,and ever,and ever...

 

There was nothing here besides his fails nothing besides contempt.

**Author's Note:**

> Id really love to discuss about this episode!If you have any thoughts,comments are appreciated.Even if you dont,comments still great. Kudos all appreciated


End file.
